Sivaji Ain't No Boss, It's Samy!

Whaddaya know, this Hindraf thing is playing itself like a good Tamil movie. The summary goes like this;

1. Five men organized a rally because they don't think the Indians are getting a good deal despite being the loyal citizens of this country for a couple of decades.

2. They figured the man who didn't do enough for the community is none other than the big guy himself who goes by the name Samy Vellu.

3. They got arrested and sent to prison under ISA. It's no joke because this simply means you're not going home for Deepavali for at least two years. Maybe more.

4. Now Samy guy is saying to the government, 'I want you fellas to release these five innocent men. Otherwise I'm gonna do something you might regret, or my name ain't Samy Vellu if I can't get these men out by Monday next week.'

5. The five men in prison are thinking; should we walk out a free man if Samy manage to get us out or do we stick to our principle? One of them may be saying something like this; look, fellas, freedom is freedom no matter where or who it came from. Amnesty from agung or a threat from uncle Samy, what's the difference? The point is we get to walk out of this dump a free man. We could be a bigger national hero than that Doctor Sheikh guy who went to space. Heck, we could even be bigger than Mahatma Ghandi and Shah Rukh Khan put together. I'd say, let's take it.'

6. After a bit of songs and dance...

7. They find out that Samy is their long lost father.

The end.

I love Tamil movie but I'm not sure if I love Sivaji anymore now that I've got a better guy who goes around with a stage name Samy Vello to play hero.

Living With AIDS.

Unlike VDs or Syphilis, I get the impression that AIDS is a sexually transmitted disease in a class of its own. As a matter of fact, I have the impression that when you're down with AIDS a lot of people are gonna speak up in your behalf. They're gonna put on some kinda ribbons on their chest to show that they're with you come earthquakes or hailstorms. They're gonna say how proud they are of you for speaking up and coming out in the open to tell the world that you've got AIDS. They even have AIDS Day just like Warriors' Day or Christmas Day to celebrate a good job you've done for contracting a high-class disease like AIDS. They even organize musical concerts or operas in your behalf to help pay for the research to find the cure to this high-profile disease. They also go about town with banners, posters, badges and stickers asking people to be your friends even though you've got AIDS. It's a high-class disease commonly associated with being an open-minded person, metropolitan, individual freedom, human rights, urbane, not to mention same sex relationship.

A lot of interest groups are gonna take up your case if people discriminate you at work if you've got AIDS. They've got a movie with Tom Hank in it as the the legal manual to make sure that people pay a heavy price for making you uncomfortable in any way. You don't get this kinda treatment if you've got VDs or Syphilis because unlike AIDS, these are sexually transmitted diseases commonly associated with sailors and cheap prostitutes. Besides, VDs and Syphilis is so 50s compared with AIDS which is so 80s - the period you're supposed to connect with your inner feelings, and be honest with yourselves because that's what psychologists want you to do. It was the dawn of an era when you are encouraged to do what you want because you're the master of your own destiny. And so if you have a sexual orientation for same sex relationship, you should just be honest with yourself and go ahead just do it. To be like Freddie Mercury, to love and love and love. Never mind if too much love can kill you. Incidentally it was also a period Nike came up with the tagline - Just Do It.

Someone must have figured to position AIDS a class above other STDs as a way to make it fashionable for people to announce to the world that - 'I connect with my inner feelings, I do what I want and this is the price I've got to pay for being honest with my sexual preference, so take a good look at me because I'm dying and you gotta admit it that I'm some kinda hero'. Try saying something like this if you've got VDs or Syphilis to see if people will treat you the same way as that of a guy who've got AIDS.

In my book if you've got AIDS, you're no different than a guy who got VDs or Syphilis or other STDs that I'm not aware of. So don't tell me to be kind to you because as far as I'm concerned you're just like a guy who got stomach ache, or a nose job gone wrong. I don't treat you different because as far as I'm concerned you do this to yourself and like everything else in this world, you're responsible for your own action and you shouldn't be going around blaming everyone if people look at you different, or treat you bad. I wouldn't wanna a guy with VDs or Syphilis in a public swimming pool and I don't think I want a guy with AIDS to be in the same pool with me when I've gotta do 20 laps before noon. Sure you can tell me that AIDS isn't contagious and that you can hug or kiss a guy with AIDS and you're gonna be okay but frankly, I don't think so. I grow with the notion that all STDs are contagious and that once you've got one, I gotta stay away from you. I know this may hurt you but as far as I'm concerned, I gotta stay safe.

It's The Cryin' Season For The Men Of Trengganu.

In Trengganuspeak the above title will sound something like this; piang museng orang llaki nnangis. This has gotta be one of those rare moments when I gotta put on a disguise that I am Norwegian or Irish, and not a guy from Trengganu that I really am. No way I want to be associated with a state where men cry openly as if laughing has gone out of fashion.

Maybe growing up with Aunt has got something to do with it. She put it in my head for as long as I can remember that men don't cry. When they do, they are worth half a man. Which makes them half man half woman. When a man is half man half woman, I once asked, kalau ssetuh batal dok air sembahyang? She would say; budok bertuoh. And Grandma would say; loyar burok budok ni. And then I'd say; batal separuh. And they would laugh so loud everyone would think ours was the house gone crazy since there was no man in the house to monitor the women if they went a little lewd with their jokes.

I can't see what it is that got the men of Trengganu to shed tears now that they've got a new menteri besar. And the sultan is coming home for the week end to ride a horse. The weather is good. The sea is turquoise blue this time of the year, inviting you to go for a dip later in the day, maybe a little after 'Asar prayer. Food is abundance. Women are pretty in their colorful baju kurung. Birds are singing. The clouds are lovely. I don't see why the men of Trengganu must cry when there's so much going for them in the state. They've never before cried for Wang Ehsang that had gone missing. Which is why I don't understand what made them want to do the crying now. I'm here saying to myself; what's wrong with you?

And this Ahmad Said guy is not showing a good example at all. His pictures in the papers today show him crying like a guy who's got his apang dewa* taken by a couple of hungry friends. Not a good start for a leader given the task to take care of a state like Trengganu. Leaders don't cry. Leaders are strong. Like a man. Man don't cry. Men are strong. They don't have tears. They've got blood. And saliva. They fight and they bleed. They get up and they punch and kick. They don't cry because they don't have a woman blood in their vein. Show me a man who cry and I'll slap him so hard he'll be sorry for trying to be funny with me.

Maybe a psychologist will say that there's a bully in me because I like to make fun of men who cry. At school I bullied those who cry easily and I'd go after them until their father had to come deal with me and I'd be in the teacher's room to receive a few whacks on the bottom. After that, I bully again. Just to see them cry so they can call their father. You see, I hate fathers. I hated them because I didn't have one to come deal with the kids who say nasty things about me, about Aunt, about Grandma, about cousin. I hated father because they protect their children when their children cry. And nothing pleases me more than to see boys cry because when I had to cry, no one will ever know...

*Apang dewa: sejenis kuih.

Things You're Not Supposed To Say.

A lot of people will tell you that it is not nice to tell a guy that the shirt he has on makes him look like an idiot. Which is why a lot of people will politely tell the guy that he has a nice shirt and that he looks like a million buck. They say the right thing. They are being polite and being polite is what it's all about if you want have a lot of friends who will tell you the same thing if you've put on a shirt that can make you look like a bigger idiot. Everyone stays happy this way but in the end no one tells the truth and in the end, you don't even know how to be completely honest with someone. In the end you become such a good liar that you might consider becoming a politician yourself to win an election so you can tell lies professionally.

A woman puts on a dress and she asks you something like this; how do I look? You say; you look very nice. Try say something honest like; you look like a textile factory that got hit by a missile. People usually say something like this in a relationship that's coming to an end. When you've found someone new. And so you say something like this to make her walk out on you so that you won't feel so guilty. When people ask, what happened between you and Elizabeth? You can always say, I don't know what went wrong, she just took off with the new dress that still got a price tag on it. And people are gonna say, ooooh she found someone new. And so you say; I think so too.

A friend introduces you to his new girl, you say; hi, pleased to meet you. She goes to powder her nose and your friend asks you; we're getting married, whaddaya think? You say; well lucky you, she's gonna be a perfect missus for you. Truth is you don't know the woman well enough to make that judgement but you gotta say something nice to make him feel like a million buck. Try say something like this; I don't know, man. She doesn't look like a missus material, the kind who stays home to cook and takes care of the house and the kids. In fact I think she's the type who goes out to party at ever little chance she has.

Try say something like that. Chances are your friend is gonna say, you get the hell outta my life.

People can't deal with the truth. That's the truth. People can deal with lies but people are not very good at dealing with the real thing. Which why I believe I've burnt a couple of bridges this week when I said the things I wasn't supposed to say. These are among the things I said:

'I don't think you have what it takes to be in this business.'

'Lemme tell you before we go further, I think your proposal doesn't make any sense. In fact I believe you don't know what you're doing.'

'How much money you've got?'

'No, a loan will only mean you're gonna have to re-pay it even before you receive the first check from your first invoice.'

'Why don't you sell your car and downgrade to a cheaper one before you make any money from this business.'

'You're gonna have to give up your high society lifestyle for at least two years'

'I don't think your missus is cut out for the kinda life this business will have on you.'

'I don't think you are meticulous enough to be in this business.'

Glossary For The Entry: Whatcha Gonna Do 'Bout It, Pok Loh Jing?

Fauziah Ismail has asked me to provide the glossary of the Trengganuspeak i.e. words in Italic. I've written to Sir Awang Goneng for help. He's the authority on Trengganuspeak, in fact he coined the word. Until he comes back with the official glossary, here's my version. (This is the unofficial version and subject to the correct ones from Sir Awang Goneng. So bear with me.)

duduk ccokoh
(Sitting in a squating position. Usually on the beach, looking out to the South China Sea. It can be done in solo or in a group while sucking on rokok daun. A good thing to do when the sky is bleak with impending rain.)

duduk ssaje
(Sitting position not specific but it simply means sitting in any position with no clear objective in mind. Duduk ssaje at Starbuck isn't the same because that is more official. Duduk ssaje is more like sitting to look at the rotating ceiling fan going round and round. When someone asks, 'buat ape tu?' All you've gotta do is say something like this: 'duduk ssaje')

Which is different from duduk ccongok.
This sitting is more like sitting with your chin slightly hung in mid air. One does this when one has something on his mind like, should one goes to the beach to duduk ccokoh, or duduk ssaje to look at the ceiling fan rotating like a rotor blade of a helicopter that takes oil rig crew to sea.

Wak dok reti setarang habok
(It's like you don't want to know what's going on around you. Literally translated, you don't give a dust of what's going on.)

Tebeng
(Pushing yourself to the limit to get what you want. So citizens of Trengganu will usually say; Nasi tu dok sedap tapi aku tebeng makang sebab toke kedai tu comel macam Sara Banu.

Bbolok
(When something is so bbolok it simply means it has gotten so complicated, like a fishing line that got entagled that you have to cut it off. It's a handy word to use. E.g 'Doh guane sapa bbolok ggitu semeng'
Bbolok usually comes with a suffix 'woq' (maximum nasalization to ge it right). Something bbolok woq is as good as hopeless.

P.s. Pok Loh Jing - (Jing refers to Jeanne, not jin)

Whacha Gonna Do 'Bout It, Pok Loh Jing?

As an option you can dudok ccokoh which is better than dudok ssaje but you don't have to be from Trengganu to know any better that you can't afford to wak dok reti setarang habok to solve the crisis between the sultan and Awang Derih. So really, whacha gonna do 'bout it, Pok Loh Jing?

You may think I've got no business to ask you this question since people like me don't figure in your scheme of things but you know better that you'd better not ignore people like me. After all, had it not for people like me who put you in a position you're in right now? So you see, you can't afford to duduk ccokoh. You gotta do something about it. You gotta tebeng in order to do something about it.

Every one knows that you're not very good with strategy. I don't think you have a plan how to end the impasse so I am not sure if we can depend on you to handle this one. You've never really solved any problems as a prime minister but heaven knows you created a lot of them the last four years or so. And some of those problems have become so bbolok that it could take a life-time to solve them. Maybe you don't care about it since you've got Mek Jing to pour your hearts out before dozing off to dream about the things prime ministers like you usually dream about. But for people like me who can only afford to dream about the things people like me usually dream about, I'd like to see you solve this. It's an open secret that we know what you are made of, but I gotta give you the benefit of the doubt although I doubt that you will ever do something about it other than tidor kroh kroh while you dudok ccokoh.

People are watching you, Pok Loh Jing. People are paying so much attention on you that people forget that you've got Mek Jing to take care of.