Saturday, December 20, 2008

Lunch With A Friend's Missus

I LIKE THE MOVIE 'THE TRANSPORTER' because the hero has got himself a set of simple rules that he follows. I too got myself a set of simple rules but the sad thing is (seven out of ten); I break my own rules to accommodate a situation, or a person - and this has gotten me into some serious trouble with people. Do I learn anything from these experiences? No, I don't. Which is why I keep breaking my own rules from time to time, and which is why I keep getting myself into one trouble after another that I'm close to making a decision to leave a country to go live in a remote place like Gairloch - where I can do my own thing and not care about anything. But I know better that this is not possible because a guy with my kinda complexion and my kinda name won't blend too well in a place like Gairloch because you'd need to be a white man to live in a Scottish town like that. Of course I can marry a Gairloch girl and try to blend in with the folks there but this would take a lot of time and money and so I say to myself something like this; forget about it.
Oh yes, I've got a set of simple rules I'd like to follow to the letter - like never dine with a married woman, especially if the married woman is your friend's missus. But I gotta make a slight adjustment to this rule because the woman in question is the one who sobs sobs sobs in between the sentences when she has the sudden urge to talk about her hubby who has been missing for a couple of months now that he's got himself a new missus. In the meantime, I'm having lunch with the 1st missus in a restaurant where it's very difficult to be discreet when she keeps sob sob sob in between the sentences that people are beginning to pay attention to us probably thinking to themselves something like this; that couple is breaking up because that man is going to run off with a young thing in a skirt shorter than a handkerchief. I keep saying to her; please, ma'am, don't sob sob sob here, people are watching. She stops for three seconds, only to sob sob sob again the next minute. It's not the kinda sob sob sob that I used to do as a kid when I wanted something from Aunt . The sob sob sob I mean sounds more like a muffled cough - the kind when a heroine in a movie does it, hiding herself behind a box while the bad guys go around looking for her with a dog. Something like that. Do you know what I mean?
I'm not much of a guy to have a heart for a woman, especially when I'm a little hungry in the stomach and the food is right before my eyes. It so happens I'm in the mood for some Monghul food on a wet afternoon like this and so I say to her something like this; ma'am, why don't you eat something, it's good for you. She has a bit of kebab not bigger than the size of a morsel and leaves the rest untouched. And so I say to her; can I have that?
In between chewing and trying to be civil in a respectable restaurant, I watch her from time to time hoping and praying that she won't start on me with a set of sobs that can make people think I'm breaking up with her. Now this is between you and me; I will never figure out why a man would want to leave behind a pretty woman like her to marry someone less pretty (I've seen the picture of the other woman and believe me, on a scale of 10, this missus here is a high 3 and the new missus is a 7). I hope you are not offended by this grading but it helps me give you the idea of what I'm talking about. In case you wonder how does a 1 looks like in my book - I'll tell you. A young Elizabeth Taylor is a 1.
I say to her; ma'am, would you like some dessert? She says no and so I say to her; why don't you have some Kashimiri tea, it'll do you some good. She talks in a round about way about her life, work, childhood and stuff like that. I listen thinking to myself; ma'am, will you marry me?
I'm gonna be in a big trouble to break my second rule; never fall in love with someone else's missus, especially a friend's missus. But I've gotta make a slight adjustment.

26 Comments:

Blogger mamasita said...

hahaha?Serious?Would you like to marry your friend's missus!Pahala jugak tolong orang tengah susah you know?Jangan pulak you yang sob sob sob sob later k?hehe

12:16 AM  
Blogger bergen said...

Mamasita: Maybe it's not a good idea after all.

12:28 AM  
Blogger Malaysian Tigress said...

Jeng Jeng Jeng...the usual scenario...everything gets worse when everyone else gets entangled.

Hey, can I sob sob sob to you? Coz I would love Moghul food and kashmiri tea! And I would eat it in between sobs, no problem.

7:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous9.30 said...

Hahahaha sir,
Harapkan pagar, pagar makan padi.. You need a major adjustment for your rules sir, kalau "padi" tu gred A3 hehehe..
And you should let her sob sob sob sob on your shoulder the next time you see her.. Wahlauweh macam drama minggu ini..

9:30 AM  
Blogger AUNTIDA said...

Mr Bergen, my husband's number 1 rating is Jenniffer Garner. But he has to be content with a Bridget Jones look-alike of 3 times the size and sometime makcik-jual-cokkodok (when i'm not in the mood to dress up- most times actually!) :) :)

9:32 AM  
Blogger AUNTIDA said...

Of course, he's like Shrek himself, so he shouldn't complain la kan?

9:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

a few more of these sob sob sob in between conversation and food sessions, SHE will fall in love with you..listening with empathy is a very attractive trait for any person especially a guy..
put me in the queue after malaysian tigress for a sob and makan session with you...

9:41 AM  
Blogger dee3 said...

talking about food... can i still claim the sandwich you've agreed to make for me some time ago, dear sir? heh

coming by your way, ingat nak la menagih sandwich :D ;)

9:48 AM  
Blogger Fauziah Ismail said...

Salam Bergen
Where in the world is Gairloch? Hehehehe ... waiting in anticipation for the third instalment.

12:24 PM  
Anonymous f said...

teringat lagu nih..
"Breaking all the rules when we get together...Anything at all are you ready to do.."

ishk.ishk.ishk.*geleng kepala* :P

12:54 PM  
Blogger Malaysian Tigress said...

Danger! danger!

Ha laki aku pun pi kahwin pompuan yang dok melalak kat dia pasai kena cerai....and he isn't such a good housekeeper and cook like you, Bergen...hahaha.

4:03 PM  
Blogger Malaysian Tigress said...

Wait. He isn't a good housekeeper and cook AT ALL.

correction....

Bergen, I'm in love. Berapa dowry nak nih!

Hey. Do you do windows and take down curtains to wash too? I hate doing that.

Kah kah kah....

4:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

malaysian tigress, snap... we seem to share the same story.. bergen , we have two gutsy ladies in waiting here...

6:55 PM  
Blogger Malaysian Tigress said...

Hey Bergen,

We're just havin some fun lah. Don't be scared!

Heheh...

9:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

he he... not what you are expecting eh, single mums come a calling...
come out and play lah...

1:21 PM  
Blogger Malaysian Tigress said...

Ummm...actually I'm not single lah Miss Anon...but I sure am having fun usik Bergen...heheh

Hari ni masak apa Bang?

So, what's the ending of the sob sob sob woman's story? Can't wait! Next time she cries, just douse a glass of cold water over her. He ain't worth crying over.

4:57 PM  
Anonymous Gairloch said...

To answer Fauziah, Gairloch is here!

It's also home to the UK's smallest radio station.

Talking of which, I don't know why Bergen thinks his complexion wouldn't fit in here - sure most of us have pasty faces as we don't do sun in a big way, but a quick look at the local radio's webcam snaps just now shows quite a spectrum! So do some of the shots from the local school's Christmas dance.

Everyone seems to fit in here (maybe because we're all misfits!).

9:11 PM  
Anonymous Elviza Michele said...

Okay Sir,

Frankly, I don't know what to say (no judgment, I swear).

But I like the ranking system of yours and if the sob sob sob woman is @ no.3, I could hardly blame you for falling in love.

Who says love is blind huh?

Seasons greetings to you sir and Happy New Year.

p/s: On a complete afterthought, I was toying with the idea to settling down in a remote farm in wales to be anonymous. Then, my husband knock my head - back in reality now. Sigh

4:27 PM  
Blogger bergen said...

Malaysian Tigress: Right, gotta undo this thing fast.

Anonymous 9:30: I'm not sure if this is the case i.e pagar makan padi thing. First of all, no one gave me something to take care of. So I reckon I don't owe anyone anything.

Auntida: Jennifer Garner is a capable Krav Maga exponent - it's the Israeli military fighting style. Shrek? oops. He e

3:52 PM  
Blogger bergen said...

Anonymous 9:41: I reckon it's not good to fall in love this way i.e listening to someone's problem, and then sympathize, and then falling in love. I don't it's a good start. What do you think?

Dee3: Ah the sandwich - with all the cheeses in the world thrown in. Yup, still owe you a Dagwood size's sandwich. Next time I'm in Kuching \he h

3:54 PM  
Blogger bergen said...

Fauziah Ismail: It's a small town in Scotland. he he

F: Torn between two lovers? he he

3:55 PM  
Blogger bergen said...

Malaysian Tigress: Don't know what to say lar hehe

3:56 PM  
Blogger bergen said...

Anonymous 6:55: LOL.

Malaysian Tigress: I know you're joking, ma'am.

3:57 PM  
Blogger bergen said...

Anonymous: You're right - lately I've been seeing one single mother too many. he he

3:58 PM  
Blogger bergen said...

Gairloch: Thank you for the information, ma'am. Didn't know it has the smallest radio station. Maybe I'll pay a visit there in summer and fall in love - with the place, that is.

3:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

seghiyau ghase...

7:59 PM  

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