The Guy In The Middle.

MA'AM, WHEN HE'S MADE UP HIS MIND TO MARRY ANOTHER you'd better get out of the way and call the Fire Department. I don't think I'm the right person for you to call in the middle of the night to sob sob sob in between the sentences about how you've given everything you got to make him happy like keeping yourself pretty and desirable, not to mention learning everything you need to learn from Betty Crocker and Martha Stewart. Yes, I do mind answering the phone when I'm all set to call off the day, dreaming of a happy dream about the person I most would like to marry and live happily ever after. But I don't have the heart to tell you this and so I write this in a blog hoping that you won't find it because if you do, I figure you'd be hurt twice over and I'd be in a lot more trouble than the state I'm in.

Your hubby isn't exactly a friend but he comes around the house every now and then to brag about the new woman he just met that he's decided to marry come what may. I don't keep friends because I'm not much of a friendly kinda guy to begin with but I treat a guest the best way I can to make him feel at home and that simply means cooking up something simple like braised lamb, or nasi goreng kampong, or whatever.

I don't have a good advice for you, ma'am. But I know this for sure - that when a man decides to marry another, you'd better get out of the way because he believes he knows what he's doing. You can trust me 100% on this one - after six or eight months, when the dust finally settled, he'd think of you more often than he does of his new woman, and he'd want you back the same way he wanted you when he first met you on the first date. You see, your hubby isn't the first guy who comes around the house every now and then to brag about the new women in their life. I bet all the stuff in my fridge that he'd come around the house in six or eight month from now, crying like a baby, pleading and sobbing that I call you to tell you that he's sorry and that he wants you back. I've never been a woman before but I reckon this kinda stuff hurts you inside but I know for fact that in the end you can win this game if you just let him have his way for now.

I'm gonna tell you this next time you call so that you won't sob sob sob in between the sentences.

One time there was a woman with the same predicament as the state you're in who came around the house to sob sob sob in between the sentences because her hubby had ran off with a new woman he met on the airplane. She found out that they married in a state where you can marry as many women you want in a single afternoon. Next thing I know, she came around the house looking for her hubby thinking that I had allowed the house to be used as some kinda sanctuary for the newyled. She sob sob sob so hard and so long that I gotta keep running to the kitchen to fetch her a glass of water to replenish the tears she cried because I figured if she kept going that way, she'd dry up the tears in no time and that she gonna get herself dehydrated like a leaf dry as bone in the sun.

Please, ma'am. You'd better call the Fire Department. Or one of those motivators on the morning TVs. They seem to have all the answers in the world that I have the impression they can help turn this world into a huge market for their motivational talk. Do you know what I mean?