Saturday, April 15, 2006

Things We Don't Know.

Will my friend and her missus remain husband and wife next week now that she knows that her husband was at the apartment with a woman? I can only guess that she has probably all cried out and has figured out a way to move forward. With or without her husband.

The point is I apologised to her for not telling the truth the first time she called eventhough I somehow got the feeling she knew I was not being entirely honest about it. The way I figured, I can't make a decision based on what I presume will happen.

We can more or less predict that the missus will be very upset. Who wouldn't? Neither it is difficult to figure that my friend is probably pissed off to the brain with my decision to disclose what was supposed to be a secret between men. But this is not male bonding thing we're talking about here. It is higher than that. It involves whether or not my tongue will be chopped to three hundred pieces by the malaikat in charge of dealing with liars.

This is another possibility. Who knows by my telling the truth my friend will come to his senses and develop a new kind of loving for his missus, falling in love all over again. People got stronger after they've gone through a crisis.

The truth is, we don't know what will happen. They may end up filing for divorce. Or they may end up loving each other more. Or things may also remain unchanged that they will continue living as husband and wife. As far as they are concerned this is just another episode they'd rather not talk about since at the end of the day, no one ends up divorcing anyone.

The truth is we don't know what will happen. For this I believe, it is quite wrong for us to make a decision based on what we believe is going to happen. We have to deal with the situation as is. In real time. We can't make a decision based on what has happened, or what is going to happen. I don't know how to make it any more clear than this. Maybe this example would suffice:

You are hungry now. And so you eat. You can't be thinking, if I eat now I might get fat tomorrow. Or if I eat now, I might get stomach pain just like I had one yesterday.

In my limited capacity as a non-scholarly person, I believe the example above should do just fine.

Actually this is not entirely my original line of thinking. I didn't develop this perception of truth that has influenced my decision to spill the beans on my friend.

If you must know, this is the same line of thinking employed by George W. Bush in his foreign policy on Iraq. You must be aware that his popularity has dipped to an all-time low now that the truth about WMD was more or less a joke that didn't turn out the way they figured it would. He said something during an interview with a journalist on TV that made a lot of sense to me. I can't recall verbatim what he said but it goes something like this:

' can't make a decision based on yesterday's gotta make a decision based on today...history will prove that I am right...'

Now, that, to me is a leader talking. A brave man. He probably knows he's wrong. And he knows for sure a lot of people think he is not a smart person to be in charge of U.S.A but he believes in what he is doing. He sticks to his decision. He takes charge. And not afraid to face the consequences come what may.

I've met a lot of foremen who are like that. They are generally a pain in the neck but when it comes to taking a chance, or making a decision, they will be up there the first in line to stick their neck out. Every drilling team needs a foreman like that. A foreman who isn't afraid to make a decision as and when the situation requires them to do something within a split of a second. People can talk about it later that he made a wrong decision but we know those who talk as if they know everything won't know what to do under the same circumstances. It is the same thing with people in other professions who have to make split-second decision in performing their work. People like brain surgeon, chef, fire chief, police officers. These are people who have to make a decision in real time. Maybe they know the consequences or what will happen but they don't know that for sure. All they know is a decision is needed now. And they gotta decide. They can't remain indecisive. The clock is ticking. That's why only a few percentage of the population on earth are lucky enough to do this. The great majority of us don't have to do it. All we have to do is live with that decision. And complain. And yak yak yak until the cows come home and go out to the field again to graze. Same thing with Abdullah Badawi when he got to make a decision to call off the bridge project. History will tell whether he's right. Or wrong. Even if he's wrong, it is his decision and he has to live with it. We can make fun of it. That's because whe didn't have to make that call. Political Science can analyze all it wants. People can talk about it in restrospect, sounding intellectual and academic. But a decision is a decision. In most cases we don't have that much time to analyze the factors before we arrive at the final analysis.

It is the same situation here. I got to make a decision based on real-time i.e when Desparate Housewife called the second time to ask for her husband. It may not be a split-second decision that I had to make but the sense of time and urgency of the matter is more or less the same. The consequences, I believe, is equally damaging. For example, my friend and I may end up not talking to each other for years. He might divorce his missus. But I can't think of all this. These are things we don't know.

And they don't matter.

Dear Friends:

I thank everyone for participating in this short discourse on a married life of someone you don't know. He may be a stranger to you but trust me, he is not a bad guy. No one is in this issue. This is not about good guys vs bad guys. I may have potrayed him as a bad guy in my entry but this is unintentional. I mean it is easy to label someone a bad guy just because he wishes to marry another one. He may be out gallivanting with the woman he is going to marry but this doesn't mean he is an irresponsible person.

I am not his defence lawyer so please don't get the impression I am trying to re-paint him as an angel after what I've written about him. The whole issue is not about him. It's about me. It's about whether it is wrong, or right, to tell the truth or to lie given the circumstances I was in.

This may happen to you one day. Or to some, it has happened to them and I thank them for sharing this so we can all learn a thing or two from these experiences. It is good that we can talk about it and remain faceless. That way we can be honest without sacrificing anything that can land us in trouble, or regret, later.

This has been quite a difficult entry to write. But it has to be written nonetheless since I can't be talking about this to any barman, or to a nail specialist who can shape my nails into cartoon characters.

Through it all, it has been an enlightening experience.

Thank you, friends.

P.s This could be a wrong decision. But it is nonetheless a decision and I have to live with it come what may.


Blogger Em said...

Olas and Salaams

Do you feel better now?

12:31 PM  
Blogger Nazrah said...

there, dear lad. u did what u thought was right, so help you God. chin up ok?

i am in the midst of reading and discussing a few things with my peers, just so i can have some peace of mind about this lying thing. so far, i have only gathered more things to be confused about, things that i did not realize i didn't know, and what's amusing though, i found that a lot of things have been lost in translation, and that at the end of the day, it comes back to me.

i would probably map out what i have gathered and see if we can talk about it ok?

wherefore art thou my count byron, when we need ur great wisdom?

1:25 PM  
Blogger Kak Teh said...

bergen, i think you were just being economical with the truth, that is all and that wasn't a lie. Sorry I came into this discussion terlambat sikit.

3:27 PM  
Blogger anggerik merah said...

A lot can be learnt from this situation.

3:27 PM  
Blogger Sayuti said...

well said.

thats why not all people can be leaders. they are not brave enough to take that call, make that decision.

if we believe that that is the right thing to do at the moment, then do it. be ready to face the consequences of our action.

and be ready to take the blame if anything goes wrong. apologize if we have made a bad decision. dont start pointing finger.

and take the calculated risk.

and learning never stop, even after we die. then, we will learn what is there beyond death.


6:27 PM  
Blogger Liza said...

Whatever it is Bergen, I'm glad with your decission. And as a woman, I am the type that will not forgive man who lies in whatever the circumstances.

6:51 PM  
Blogger UglyButAdorable said...

mate, decision has been made and i think it's a wise one. dun feel bad. in life we have to make decisions, be it good or's a calculated risks. honesty and infidelity are the 2 things in relationship that just don't blend well.u either have or don't.

7:05 PM  
Blogger maklang said...

Maybe there's blessings in disguise after what has happened to DH and hubby dia... Hope its heading for the better

11:08 PM  
Blogger nadya said...

tolong dengar dan tukang observe. buat teladan untuk masa depan..


12:22 PM  
Blogger Ms.B said...

Yet again I've learned something. And your entry holds so much water, it could be a new cyber Tasik Kenyir! :)

You are right with your assessment that it is always easier to judge another person's judgment or what should be his call to judgment, rather than to think of the urgency of his decision which only then leads to the judgment.

You are also right that by being the bigoted and judgmental people we are, some of us had already (inadvertently or otherwise) passed judgment on your friend, when we had no right to do so, no matter WHAT the situation.

But you are most right when you said this:- "People got stronger after they've gone through a crisis." I know, as I've been there. *smiles*

You DID do the right thing. That's what perhaps makes you a bigger person than some of us out here.

God be with you!

11:55 PM  
Blogger torts said...

It's the time when the boys are differentiated from the men.. or something like that la. You are doing good.

8:41 AM  
Blogger bergen said...

To everyone who came in for a visit, thank you very much. I appreciate your presence.

Have a nice day.

Em: Yes, ma'am. I am feelin' much better I could fly.

Nazrah: Yup, me chin up marm.

Kak Teh: Being economical with the truth is the same as telling half truth and half lie, right?

Anggerik Merah: Thank you, ma'am.

Sayuti: I reckon certain responsibilities come with being accountable over your actions.

Liza: Thank you, ma'am. I made a decision. Don't know any better if it is good or bad decision. Time will tell.

UBA: Yes, ma'am. I understand about risk. I grew up with it.

Nadya: Glad you came in, ma'am.

Maklang: Yes, ma'am. I hope they got tougher and learn to live with it and become more loving.

Blabs: You say nice things, ma'am. Thank you.

Torts: Thank you, ma'am.

12:36 PM  
Blogger dee3 said...

hi there...

i actually wrote something last night in regards to the situation but it got 'lost' while being uploaded...

doing what i believe is the right action at that particular moment in time, and no regrets later is important.

if that decision proves to be wrong later, well, the decision was already made. and at that turning point, it SEEMED right.

after all, we are living in the moment. not in the future, neither in the past.

salams. :)

3:36 PM  

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