Wednesday, April 12, 2006

I Wanna Talk About It.

Encik Sayuti writes:

sir,
i learned from someone that lying is allowed (in Islam) under three circumstances:
1. in war - strategy or to avoid war.
2. in marriage. to avoid conflict and divorce.
3. (i forgot, sorry)

but,i've not read your previous entries yet, therefore i'm still not sure about the real situation here. forgive me if i made an incorrect remark here.

6:03 PM


I write...

Encik Sayuti,

Nevermind who that someone is from whom you obtained the 'hadith' (?) that you wrote about in your comment. I have a scenario.

Supposed I know your missus is having an affair. Going by what you wrote, I have to keep this a secret from you, right? The reason being, if I told you the truth it will only put your marriage on the rock and it might end in a divorce. Since the sanctity of the marriage is bigger than the sin of an extra-marital affair, going by what I understood from what you wrote, I have no business to tell you about your missus' promiscuity eventhough by keeping it a secret from you, I may put you at risk of contracting AIDS or other forms of STDs.

Is this what Rasulullah s.a.w wants me to do? In other words, I am performing the sunnah and therefore earn a deed that I could use as a pass to get to heaven. Or to say to Rasulullah s.a.w when I meet him that I haven't done enough good deeds but once in my lifetime, I lied to protect the marriage of a friend called Encik Sayuti. Therefore, Rasulullah s.a.w, I deserve your syufa'at.

Encik Sayuti, I picture the scenario above to enable me to see more clearly, as a man, that should it happen that way, would I be angry with my friend for not telling me about it? Or should I be grateful for his discretion since the marriage doesn't end in a divorce. Nevermind if the marriage continues as a charade.

I wanna talk about it.

Yours sincerely
Bergen Abdullah



12 Comments:

Blogger Nazrah said...

Tumpang lalu, bergen and encik sayuti,

The Quran says, "Truly Allah guides not one who transgresses and lies." Surah 40:28. In the Hadith, Mohammed was also quoted as saying, "Be honest because honesty leads to goodness, and goodness leads to Paradise. Beware of falsehood because it leads to immorality, and immorality leads to Hell."

On the other hand,the Prophet says: 'He is not a false person who (through lies) settles conciliation among people, supports good or says what is good."

Most Muslims are familiar with the principles of Islam that will justify lying in situations where they sense the need to do so. Among these are:

1.War is deception.
2.The necessities justify the forbidden.
3.If faced by two evils, choose the lesser of the two.

One of Mohammed's daughters, Umm Kalthoum, testified that she had never heard the Apostle of God condone lying, except in these three situations:

1.For reconciliation among people.
2.In war.
3.Amongst spouses, to keep peace in the family

As with all principles, this one does not escape interpretations and extrapolations.can someone confirm if it's hadith sahih?

I too would welcome discussion on the issue.

12:39 PM  
Blogger dr in the house said...

Bergen,

This is too heavy for me at this hour of the day when the atmosphere is so humid and my brain can't work its best...but perhaps what Sayuti meant was since amuslim guy can marry 4 thus
what this friend of yours is doing is halal (i.e. getting another spouse but not extramarital activities, mind you)so it was ok for you to lie to his wife...*grin* (I bet this will invite hot discussion here)

Anyway Bergen, bukak je kitab2 lama yang Tok Wan dok baca dulu tu!

3:24 PM  
Anonymous married with children said...

Hi Bergen,
I think we are so prone to use "bohong sunat" ..while in reality mana ada bohong sunat.
I don't quite agree with dr.in the house, it's halal to kahwin 4 but pls don't lie..Human beings are all the same..hidup tak ikut sunnah nabi pun..in fact x buat apa yang Rasullullah buat, halal & haram x jadi masalah BUT when they are caught in a situation they will go for sunnah lah, what Islam permits la..

4:27 PM  
Blogger faux diamante said...

By Logan's streams, that rin sae deep,
Fu' aft wi' glee I've herded sheep;
Herded sheep, or gather'd siaes,
Wi' my dear lad on Logan braes.
But waes my heart! Thae days are gane,
And, fu' o' grief, I herd my lane,
While my dear lad maun face his faes,
Far, far frae me and Logan braes.

Nae mair, at Logan kirk, will he
Atween the preachings, meet wi' me-
Meet wi' me, or, when it's mirk,
Convey me hame frae Logan kirk.
I weel may sing, thae days are gane;
Frae kirk and fair I come alane,
While my dear lad maun face his faes,
Far, far frae me and Logan braes.

At e'en, when hope amaist is gane,
I daunder dowie an' forlane,
Or sit beneath the trystin'-tree,
Where first he spak' o' love to me.
O! could I see thae days again,
My lover skaithless, an' my ain;
Rever'd by friends, an' far frae faes,
We'd live in bliss on Logan braes!

5:12 PM  
Blogger NBB said...

saya pernah berbohong, tapi akhirnya terbongkar juga.

pssstt...berbohong pada lhdn boleh ke?

9:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Honesty is the best policy. What makes most relationship collapse is there are too many lies, betrayals and deceptions. It is better to tell the truth sooner rather than later because the later the other party gets to know about the truth, the biggesr the damage would be. Just my 2-cents worth ;)

9:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Bergen:

Your friend had put you in a very tough situation and it is very sad. It is clearly stated in the quran that men can have 4 wives so there is no debate there, however the second, third and forth should not be obtained thro' extra marital affairs. Dating is haram in Islam. I believe you mean well, however, you should not have allowed them in your house because that is haram and in a way or to put it mildly - you bersubahat.
I suggest you call your friend, tell him that he has put you in a tough and awkward situation not only with his wife but also as a Muslim. You owe it to Allah and yourself to be truthful to him. If he is upset with you - you do not need to associate with such a person. As my son would say and he is only 7 years old, a bad friend could drag you to "NAR" i.e Neraka Jahanam. Nauzubillah - you too nice to be there and you are a kind person from reading all your entries. If his wife called you, just tell her that you and him are no longer associating with each other or if he is ok with you, tell her that you were in touch with him and that you told him to call her. Taubat to Allah and ask for forgiveness and one of these days when you got the courage, apologize to her but for now just dooa to Allah for the best.
I believe there are good men like our beloved Rasulallah s.a.w and there are bad man like your friend and they just mess up all the good men out there.

Take care and may Allah subhanataala protects you and provide you with taufik and hidayah.

8:06 AM  
Blogger Ms.B said...

Ugh - I wrote and re-wrote and re-wrote what I wanted to say on this, but kept deleting it, and now I can't remember what I wanted to say. Choosing the lesser of two evils is always a good approach. And in the end Bergs, Allah knows best. We just seek His guidance in our actions and hope that we've done the right thing.

9:06 AM  
Blogger tee said...

The truth will eventually prevail. I've once been in ur situation. both the wife n hubby is a close friend of ours. when we got to know bout the hubby's affair, we just keep it to ourself, and luckily, the affair ended coz the mistress come to her senses n decided to end the affair now and then. (and the worst part is, we also knew the mistress !!!)

so, i'm in no position to tell u what to do but just follow ur heart... and that is, let Allah guide ur way.

11:40 AM  
Blogger Sayuti said...

sir bergen,

the discussion has started before i read this invitation to talk about it.

the comment from nazrah, DITH, married with children and both anonymous commenters is more than enough to express my intention in the first place. even though married with children does not agree at some point with DITH, she (i'm assuming married with children is a she) has her own POV which is valid.

if i were to be put in your situation, i will not tell the wife directly what her husband is doing. but, i would suggest to her to find out from the husband herself. try and be as neutral as possible in the suggestion, so that not to give any hint about immoral act by her husband.

"i dont want to (or can't) tell you what your husband is doing. why dont you ask him yourself. well, you are his wife, aren't you?" is one example.

you mention about not wanting to spent your life worrying about other people's marital problem, so don't. let them worry themselves. avoid yourself from being the messenger of bad news.

you did the right thing when you told the husband to tell the wife. now, tell the wife to ask his husband herself. do not tell her anything else but that.

thus, you are not responsible and can be held liable to whatever that would happen between the two, and you are not lying.

in the scenario given, i would rather not to know. if my missus is having an affair (God forbid), and you know about it, you dont have to tell me because i wont believe you and we may end up 'bermasam muka' to each other. instead, you should tell the authority and if my missus got caught in the act, i will definitely know about it and i wont end up losing you as a friend.

marriage is about being in a relationship. if something is not right in the marriage, the couple should be the first to know about it. why must involve other people? why stay in a marriage if it is more like a charade? and why must ask someone else about what our spouse is doing behind our back?

why did we get married to our spouse in the first place?

being in a marriage, the first person we should trust is our spouse. not someone else.

so, why should i trust you instead of my wife? if she lie to me, i will know sooner or later. getting STDs, thats another issue. it may be God punishment to me for not being able to control my wife.

i think i've written long enough to express my opinion. but, this is just my humble opinion. you may agree or not agree, because the decision is always in your hand.

regards,
sayuti

p/s: to obtain syufa'at, all you got to do is just selawat to Rasulullah (in addition to your obligation as a Muslim)

12:42 PM  
Blogger Captain Barbell said...

sometimes we dont have to tell directly.

we can say something that can make the other person wonder and curious to find out.

11:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tell Allah s.w.t. in the middle of the night.

4:30 PM  

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