Thursday, March 30, 2006

Will Love Change When You Marry Someone?

It isn't that difficult to see that most male bloggers who are hubby and father, don't write as often about their missus, or children compared with female bloggers who are missus and mother. Except for Count Byron whom I consider a great guy who never runs out of nice things to say about his family, there aren't that many male bloggers who devote a paragraph or two every once in a while to writing about their family. I confess. Entries written by female bloggers who are mothers are a great read. It describes a mother's joy for her children's success in getting through SPM or a school concert, or passing through another grade in the piano exam. At the same time I read entries that can touch you real deep about the frustration, and anger, of their children's failure to do well in sports, music recital or UPSR or PMR. Sometimes they write about their children's health. Cough, fever, or injuries to the knees, elbows and other parts of their children' body. I like reading about these. They teach me something, although I don't quite know what it is that I have learned from these entries. And how can I not enjoy reading about how they discuss pregnancy, bersunat and sex, talking about it gently, being very careful not to encourage their children from getting too inquisitive to experiment with the real thing. It ain't easy being mothers. I was lucky in a lot of ways. Maybe unlucky if you look at it from a different perspective. You see, I learned about sex in the brothel, right where the action is.

I believe a lot of people out there more or less could have guessed that I don't do much in a day except surf the Internet to read blogs written by people from all walks of life. From students to senior citizens, from housewives to single fathers, from straight men and women to homosexual and lesbian. From interesting, sometimes downright weird individuals highly knowledgeable in their respective religions to atheist. I read them all. Some of them have become people I interact with through emails, or phone. But if there's one thing I notice is that husbands don't write about their missus or children as often as their counterparts do. It is only natural therefore that I come to the conclusion that love changes when you marry someone. Or could it be that men have the tendency not to write about their missus because of some reason I am not aware of since I ain't no hubby myself, except for a brief period which didn't amount to anything worth talking about.

There are women who write about their troubled relationship with their hubby. About their husbands' romantic affair with a colleague. About keeping a tight schedule juggling between their life as professional, and housewife, mother and everything else that comes with the job. Maybe men are not comfortable to write about this sort of thing. Maybe it is too trivial since as men they should be more concerned with bigger things like making policies to make this world a better place for people who mean something to them, which is their missus and children. Maybe they are too occupied thinking about things related to formulating a policy that they can't be bothered with things like onions, the price of fish, detergent, a faulty pipe, or their children's bicycle that needs a bit of fixing because the chain doesn't sit too well on the sprocket.

I confess feeling very small reading entries written by men about big issues like religion, government policies, or things I have little or no knowledge of. At times I wish my thinking is more aligned towards theirs instead of finding joy in little things like laundry, or going to Tesco to look up for someone I want to love with everything I got, and more. Someone with whom I want to have children so I can worry about them when they run a temperature in the middle of the night. I read every blog faithfully to acquaint myself with different styles of writing but most importantly, to keep myself abreast with the line of thinking which I know I will never attain because I haven't been reading all that many important books compared with the kind of books they read. Most of them are smart, brilliant people. People who went to boarding school and university to earn a Ph.D or at least a Masters' degree. I am quite embarassed to talk about my academic background other than I didn't do very well in school. Maybe this is the price I have to pay for being such a playful fellow when I should have paid more attention to the books and the lessons. It's too late to regret so I have to go from here with what little knowledge I have and hope no one out there is making fun of me for being such an ignorant fellow. Oh well, this is a free country. People can make fun at anyone they wish.

Sometimes I get to thinking maybe I can't quite comprehend the concept of being a man because I had no role model of a father with whom I can use as a general guide to hone my maleness, if there's such a word. Maybe this is the reason why all my life, I am crazy about being macho, as if to prove something to someone that I am as male as a male gets. Maybe as a child I needed to prove to the boys in the village that eventhough I was raised in a house where there was no male, I am better than all of them put together. Maybe that's the reason why I did the things I did. To prove that I am braver, bolder, and wouldn't think twice of doing something crazy like diving head first right into the deepest end of the water because I am a man, inside out.

Maybe it is a macho thing to do, not writing about your missus and children. Maybe it is the male thing that I need to understand better. Looking back, I know my friends only within the small environment of a rig, far away from the domestic setting of a home, a family unit comprising a missus and children. I didn't get to see them with their family. I wouldn't want to do that because I may be an ignorant fool but when a man is away from his missus for two weeks he doesn't need the company of a friend from the rig. He'd need sometimes alone with his missus. I know that. It doesn't take a man, or a woman to understand this biological fact.

Let me take a break from this to figure where I should be going with this subject. Maybe this is too big for me to attempt to write. I should know better that I don't have the brain for this.

(This entry expires 4 April 2006. It will be deleted to make way for entries typical of the writing style and thinking format associated with Bergen. Thank you.)


Blogger NBB said...

entah lah. tak tau.

10:02 PM  
Blogger demonsinme said...

HMMMM...Master Bergen,

To answer your title, love wont change when you married someoen unless you yourself change it.

About the being small thing, why should you? You write beautifully and very wise, just look at all the comments you got in every entries you wrote.

About being a man, a man is just a word with a thousand definition. What matters is YOUR own definition of a man (if its no trouble for you, read my entry titled Axiom for Being A Man).

And why on earth should you delete this entry? Its very earnest and naked - and that makes it beautiful.

10:15 PM  
Blogger Noni said...

everything changes Berg... especially ur ideals... sometimes they change for the better oftentimes not... but there's always Botox to patch things up...

Oh sekarang dah pakai expire-smekshpire ek? I am archiving this proprio adesso!

11:50 PM  
Blogger anedra said...

will love change after you marry someone?

in the oddest ways ever. yes.

12:24 AM  
Blogger Nazrah said...

quite frankly really, the changes makes you want to be a better person.

men are not bad, they are, err, almost always clueless about us.

ala bergen, don't be afraid. just JUMP! even if you get hurt/pissed once in a while, it's quite HOT!not that hard to please a woman if you rub her the right'd be stumped at how she'd return the favor.

tell me have u ever really loved a woman?

1:35 AM  
Anonymous utama said...


i think the fact that men don't talk much abt their missus or kids in their blog is a reflection of how they are in their everyday life. i know when hubby meets his friends for coffee they wld talk abt politics, work, cars, cars, and cars some more, and women. not their own women of course. at least frm what i gather. they wld talk abt kids sometimes, but not abt their partners somehow. i guess they don't share things they consider intimate, which include their missus, with other male friends. unlike us women. kids are top on the list when i chat with gfs. maybe cuz my life, as i see it, revolves around my children n hubby. we wld share every little thing, every minor occurrence which involves our children. and we share with our gf what men wld consider intimate.

8:24 AM  
Blogger Count Byron said...

Berg, I thank you for this entry. This blogging is therapeutic. One can express oneself what normally was un-expressable, good or bad.
I believe many dads out there had not got the hang of blogging, and sharing, thus not many shares. But it is not an indication that love wanes.. for in my case, love grows stronger as we get older and have more tales to share with the spouse.

9:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Your question "will love change after you marry someone"? well it's really up to you- some marriages are made in heaven some in hell- some marriages last till death ;some not. there is no one specific answer for that-it takes two to tango-so whatever it is both husband and wife kena usaha la utk make sure their marriage penuh ngan mawaddah wa rahmah.Like Dr.Fadhilah kamsah said-kita kena doa supaya suami sayangkan kita dan isteri sayangkan kita tiap-tiap kali lepas that whatever changes that happened lepas kahwin adalah for the betterment of the marriage.
Secondly, men and women are different in so many ways-kalau sama susah lah pulak..hehehe

10:05 AM  
Blogger LifeBloom said...

I think it does. Its a different kind of love as stability and domesticity sets in. Your object of desire is now a mother and a wife.

In my opinion different men will react differently. Some will relish the stability while others may rankle at the "settled" existence after some time. Terpulang kepada pasangan tersebut how they wish to chart the oft choppy waters of marital-dom.

BTW - this entry is a nice change of pace from the usual fare.

10:46 AM  
Blogger AuntyN said...

Love grows (in most cases) not change after marriage. At least that's how I think we (me and hubby feel). We may takes each other for granted a bit, but if we are honest enough with each other we know that we can't be away from each other for very long time, biologically or otherwise :-).

You may not have any University Degree or Masters or PhD but, can you trade that with your first hand experiences around the world. Which many of us can't relate too. I have never lived outside my kampung, I have not been adventurous to try to experience the hard life of working outside the Northern state. It is all how you perceive life. The credentials are sometimes are useless, because that owner hasn't got the ability to think and act as what the credentilas he has got.

Please don't delete this entry. This is a very honest entry written by a great person. Someone with the right attitude in life. Humbling and full of honesty.

10:52 AM  
Blogger Nobee said...

You hit the nail there bro...

I guess it's just that most married guys uses a blog as a mean of an escape. To live in a world away from home unlike the womanfolk who uses a blog as an extension of their home.

Me? I'm somewhere in the middle :)

As for love changing, it doesn't.

And keep this entry.

11:23 AM  
Blogger Nekbat said...

I feel like singing. changes, changes everything..

11:29 AM  
Blogger A Babe Of Very Little Brain said...

after marriage, comes the bills. and who gets to wield the stick at home.

12:00 PM  
Blogger anne said...

I dont know if live changes after marriage, sir - as i am not married myself. But i do expect some level of intensity will change after marriage.

Your posting just re-affirms my believe that most men (well, the typical ones anyway) just think differently than women, their priorities are different....and they may think that it reflects bad on them to talk of "domestic issues" rather than trying to save the world.

I like the way you write, sir - dont mind the masters degrees, phds or what nots

12:16 PM  
Blogger lifecuppa said...

if it does change then it's changed for better, hopefully.

i am not sure about other men but my man doesnt write and he doesnt speak much too but he's into action; at least that's what I can see and feel.

me? i simply love to write.

take care.

12:51 PM  
Blogger pu1pu3 said...

A lot of issues covered in one post.Its nice how you manage to interlink it all. Love change, grow, dies, whatever, after marriage. It depends on how both perceives married life. For me love in a marriage has its ups and downs. Hopefully down the line there'll be more ups than downs.
As for intelectual pursuits, well, you might not have the PHD, but do you really need a PHD to be able to write wonderful verses and phrases like you do?

2:56 PM  
Blogger anggerik merah said...

Sir Berg,

1)Please don't delete this entry
2)In some ways, experience provide a person with more qualification than the paper.

Have a nice weekend.

3:08 PM  
Blogger aalborg said...

You should find this movie "Love Comes Softly". It's a Hallmark movie. I LOVE it!

3:16 PM  
Blogger My Little Shopping Heaven said...

Hi Bergen.

I cant remember the song titles, tapi lyric dia something like this;

There's a danger in loving somebody to much,
Baby sometimes love just aint enough.

I think sometimes ppl chg.
With love only, you wont survive.
Anything is possible in this world ;).

3:31 PM  
Blogger mommy@lif said...

anak pengikat kasih, but love never change.. it grows stronger

5:20 PM  
Blogger bergen said...


It wouldn't be right for me to respond to your comments one-on-one since this entry isn't the usual fare I usually write about.

Besides, this issue encourages you to say your piece, based on personal experience. Therefore, I believe, there isn't a correct or wrong way to react to your comments by writing non-committal, safe and netural response like, 'I fully agree with you.'

Based on the rate of comments coming in, I believe this issue is closest to a lot of bloggers out there, male or female. I reckon it is only right that I should respect the wish of the people who would like to see this entry remain at it is. I have no business to delete it, but let's keep the fine print there anyway as a way to maintain the originality of this entry when it was first written, and posted.

To everyone who came in, read, either a line or two. And to everyone who left a comment, I value your presence here.

Thank you, friends. And I hope sincerely that you consider me a friend.

I am less lonely already.

5:52 PM  
Blogger Sayuti said...


i look at this issue this way.

a husband is like the sun in our solar system. a wife is like one of the planets revolving around the sun. their children is like the moon revolving around the planet.

as the sun, you will be looking at the way your solar system work. little that you notice the one planet closest to you.

whereas for the planet, the moon and the sun are her only concerns.

so, get what i'm trying to depict here?

well, i've successfully confused myself.

what was the question again?

9:14 PM  
Blogger RedKebaya said...

bergen, do we have to conform to the norm? so long as we keep within the boundaries of our faith apa salah nyer tak?!! so.... takpe la kalau you're more in touch with your feminine side n suka family talk, laundry n such lol. doesnt make u less of a man, in fact great husband material. and love will change once people start taking each other for granted, married or not.

5:10 PM  
Blogger Noni said...

psst boneka...

lagu tu was sung by the guy from Eagles apa ke nama dia... tak ingat ... and that Wilson sister from Heart... Anne Wilson ke?

And the title is 'Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough'... I think!

9:46 PM  

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