Tuesday, February 21, 2006

The Making Of A Metropolitan Man.


There's always a shortcut to everything and I've got it all figured out that in order for me to be a metropolitan man true and true I need to do only two things. Maybe three.

First, I gotta go out more.

Second option, I gotta read more.

Or third one, I gotta eat more.

Chances are the third option won't get me anywhere to being a true blue metropolitan man. Instead it could get me into serious trouble with weight. For simplicity, I've decided to go out more. Of course I'm gonna need quite a bit of venture capital to carry this out because going out in the city means there are expenses you can't help but commit right from the moment you step into the shower. You need good, expensive soap, or shower gel so you can smell all so nice like a perfume counter at a supermarket. You need good clothes. Nice shirt, and pants. Matching shoes with good socks that don't collapse on you when you pull up your leg to sit cross-legged like a guy born to sit like this in front of a king. And you need expensive perfume because city people can tell if you are wearing cheap perfume. They've got the kinda nose that can enable them to tell if you are putting on the wrong perfume for the wrong occasion. And you need a nice, flashy car. The kind that can make women run about in circle as if in a trance begging you to take them for a ride so they can snap a picture on their cellphone to show their friends what a rich dude they've got for a partner.

You also need to work up on the accent, and the things you may have to talk about, like the latest play, or the latest book, or the latest restaurant, the latest drink, the latest dance, or the hot babes that just came to town from out of nowhere. You've gotta keep up with the latest things, because that's what being a metropolitan man is all about. It's about keeping up. Nevermind how you keep up, just close your eyes and toe the line or else they are going to say bad things about you behind your back, or send text messages among them, or picture message of you in the kinda clothes they consider yuck!

And you've gotta know how to dance. This is no place to show off how good you are dancing the Zapin, twirling around like a Dervish drunk on love. You've gotta know how to do the kinda dance people do in the city which is a half-jump and a twist, shaking your head a little as if one of your neck bones is coming off if you don't keep this up for hours on end. And you've got to talk about intelligent things. I don't know, maybe about the price of nangka or buah mata kucing. Or you can sound really intelligent if you talk about golf. I need to read up more about golf.

Wait the minute. I started off to go out more and now I need to read more? This is like combining option one and two to make it option three. I don't want to read. I am not good at grasping things people write about in a book. Half way through a sentence I am gonna get so confused that I usually end up saying to myself over and over, where am I? where am I? Sometimes I slap myself real hard and say, who am I? who am I? Books can do that to me.

I am going to have to stick to option one. That means I've got to get me an expensive, nice looking laptop so I can go sit at one of those fashionable coffee joints, typing something to make me look as if I'm working out a multi-million dollar deal that can change the financial landscape of the country at the click of a button on the damned laptop.

On second thought, I need to re-think again because it ain't easy trying to be a metropolitan man when you are a cowboy.

19 Comments:

Blogger Ku Keng said...

Don't worry Sir. Just be yourself. And that itself is the shortcut to most things.

9:21 PM  
Blogger Noni said...

why would u want to be a metropolitan man Berg? They give me hives....

9:31 PM  
Blogger NBB said...

im glad to be a truely kampung girl.

9:52 PM  
Blogger anggerik merah said...

Berg, you write it very well and some part make me smile and laugh at the same time. You are just who you are. Why need change? Unless you really don't like who you are..

10:35 PM  
Blogger anedra said...

Mister, people already like you without even having met you. You could arrive on a beca and they'll think nothing of it. Cos you're liked as you. Just don't forget to mandi, brush yr teeth and shave, eh?

10:56 PM  
Blogger JoKontan said...

Berg :

For the past few weeks I've been trying to scan around the neighbourhood (DP,MD and surrounding area)for a man with a stunningly beautiful Aunt.

Now, I think, it's going to get harder. Scanning a lone Metropolitan Man ? I need help 'ere..

11:20 PM  
Blogger Nurelhuda said...

Is it worth it?

7:40 AM  
Blogger AuntieYan. said...

Bergen....just be yourself...a cowboy without his horse...:-)

8:19 AM  
Blogger mommy@lif said...

honesty is the best policy.

en bergen, i echo keng tembaga, just be yourself and you'll do just fine.

8:25 AM  
Blogger cloudchaser said...

them metropolitan men..are too pretentious at times. u sure u wanna be one of them?

8:47 AM  
Blogger AuntyN said...

Just stay as you are. No need to pretend or be a person you are not. You have a lovely personality as it is right now.

9:19 AM  
Blogger thinktankgal said...

Just be yourself - that cowboy Malaya!...if you are metro man, don't come near me ok because I dont know how to handle metro men... ;)

9:39 AM  
Blogger bergen said...

Sir Keng Tembaga: I have gotten myself into a lot troubles by being myself. But those don't count, do they?

Noni: I don't know, it seems like a right thing to do now that I am going to be a permanent resident of this fine city.

Dr Nurul: I like you already, ma'am.

Anggerik Merah: No, ma'am. I still like myself as it is. This metropolitan thing was just a wild thought that comes on with the thunderstorm in the evening around Damansara Perdana, ma'am.

Anedra: Interesting stuff you wrote there, ma'am, about arriving in a beca. Maybe I should get meself one of those, gosh it'll be cool. LOL, yes, I must not forget that I am no longer on the rig and therefore have to have my shower, brush me teeth, and shave. Hmm, I think I'll do the opposite if I happen to miss the life on a rig so bad, not that I didn't take a shower, brush my teeth or shave when I was there. In fact I'd take like 4 showers, and brush my teeth 5 times, and shave 3 times in a morning when one of those beautiful female geologists are due on the rig.

Jokontan: You Aunt and Aunt Su mixed up there, sir. Aunt has past away long time ago. It's Aunt Su that I've got and she is now at an old folks' home.

Dr Nurul: You just put a nail to the head with that question. Is it worth it? No, it ain't worth nothing to change for anything, especially trying to being something you know you will never will be like a metropolitan man.

AuntieYan: Yes, ma'am.

Alif's Mommy: I got that too, ma'am.

CloudChaser: You must have dealt with them a great deal to know something about 'em metro blokes.

AuntyN: Okay dokey.

Thinktankgal: I take that as a stern warning, ma'am. Don't worry about it, I have got one more entry on this metro thing and then I'd be done with it forever and ever and ever. Promise.

To everyone who came in on this issue, thank you very much. I appreciate your presence. Have a nice day. Stay safe.

10:26 AM  
Blogger JoKontan said...

Sorry for the unintentional mixing up. I meant Aunt Su. :-)

12:13 PM  
Blogger A Babe Of Very Little Brain said...

i like cowboys. :D

12:15 PM  
Blogger thinktankgal said...

Phew!

2:26 PM  
Blogger torts said...

we are responsible of what we become. just be yourself.

2:57 PM  
Blogger LifeBloom said...

"Don't go changing to try and please me" - so the Billy Joel song goes...We like Bergen the way he is - a Dungun cowboy he will remain...
(Unless you want to impress someone lah...*nudge2x* *wink2x*)

3:50 PM  
Blogger bergen said...

Jokontan: That's alright, mate. I should have differentiate the two with Aunt and Mak Su. The mistake is mine, sir.

Xaviera: Way to go, ma'am!


Thinktankgal: Phew, time for a toast.

Torts: Will remember that, ma'am.

4:24 PM  

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