Maybe This Plan Is Too Big For Us.

Under communist rule you give up your freedom for food. That's not a bad deal if you don't have a choice, or especially if you plan to live under the regime for a long time since you can't go anywhere because you are not a nuclear scientist or an important person who can work up the crowd with fiery speeches to start a revolution.

Aunt Su is willing to give up the comfort of home, food, security and privacy for freedom. It may not be the same freedom as being able to vote or say what you want against the government but it is, I believe, the same same principle of freedom that men and women have died for in countries where it is illegal for you to even mention the word freedom in your dream.

I won't lie to you. I am sad that it has to come to this, but at the same time I am glad that Aunt Su can be so candid about it that I need to make an arragement to fulfil her wish as soon as possible. It is hard for a woman her age to be all alone with me all day and night in an apartment, without a friend to talk with being so used to having a lot of friends at the old folks' home she used to stay. She hasn't got used to the idea of independence, like making simple decision what time should she have breakfast ,or take a nap. Years of living under strict schedule at the institution has conditioned her entire self into a creature of habit I believe will take at least five years to break. Yesterday I did a simple maths. In a day, she speaks hardly more than a hundred words. This is not good at all and I have to give in to her wish. This life is not for her. It isn't for me either but at least I've got something to look forward to in a day like people to meet, or ghost stories to write. Or clean the house for the fourth time.

Last night we talked about this and I felt like being a child again, putting my head on her lap to feel her breathing the way I did with Grandma when I got frightened with something I wasn't sure of like what would happen to me in school tomorrow because I had gotten into a fight with someone and I just knew his brother or father would be there tomorrow to slap me. I sat there looking at her, listening to her every word. Laughing with her when there was a need for me to laugh to keep her going so she won't feel as if she is making me feel useless.

We've got several appointments with a few old folks' homes in PJ. There's one that I believe she will like at SS3, Petaling Jaya. It's not too far away from this place and I can always go visit her until my visit is a nuisance to her. We'll see which way this thing is going.

I have a feeling being too close to each other is not good for us because we have never been this close before. No, I don't count the time I stayed with her and Pakcik Syed. That was different. We are not a real family in the true sense of the word. We are more like friends.

As it is I am not sure what I will do with my life. Maybe I have to give up the idea of going back to school to study law. Maybe I should take up the job with Aramco and start living out the only life I've known. A cowboy.