Thursday, February 12, 2009

BERGEN P.I - We Bring 'Em Back.

Image uploaded by Bergen.

ON A GOOD DAY WHEN THE SUN IS SHINING, BLUE SKIES AND ALL I get about 2 phone calls at the office and I gotta be honest with you that the calls I get are not from my loyal clients but are from people I still owe money with and they want their money fast because the invoice is way way overdue. And so I promise them to check on me again tomorrow if I am still in this business of valves and gaskets for the oil and gas industry. I'm not sure if I can make it through this bad times now that business has slowed down to almost a halt. At the rate the whole thing is going I may have to diversify and what better business to get into other than a full-fledged private investigation agency with added service such as bounty hunter, specializing in locating and bringing back missing politicians from their hideouts.

There's a huge market for this type of business now that going missing has become such a trendy thing to do among politicians, very much like having your over-priced coffee at one of those fashionable coffee outlets where you can sit all day drinking coffee while playing with your laptop. I firmly believe that this business is recession-proof because people need politicians to keep us amused and as long as there are politicians, there's a good chance that they will play the missing game every now and then.

You don't need to cook up a working paper to start this business. Those young executives at the bank won't know how big the potential is for this business to grow, especially in Malaysia while they're still thinking and pondering about anti-hopping law. But I'm not too worried about anti-hopping law because with or without it, politicians can still go missing when they feel like taking a break from working too hard for the people who elected them in the last election.

Like every business venture, I'm gonna need high-profile equipment to get me going. I may have to start small. For a start I may not be able to afford James Bond kinda car, or his kinda suit, and shoes, and women and all. So I'm gonna have to go with a worn-out t-shirt, 501, a pair of worn out shoes, second-hand camera phone and a pen, just in case I need to pry open a door or something. And I'm gonna have to print my business card, and invoice, and quotation. I've figured this out.

Consultation - RM25.00
Field Work - RM10.00 per day
Politicians (Rate) Parliament: RM350.00 / State Executive Councillor RM200.00
Cabinet Minister: RM3,000.
Deputy Prime Ministers: RM500,000
Prime Minister: Negotiable.

I'm gonna have to hire a Girl Friday to take care of the office like answering the phone and stuff like that. The girl must be pretty and should be able to handle herself, preferably she knows martial art. Who knows people might storm our office in the middle of lunch because we are in a dangerous business.

As for now I can put on hold the order from a Norwegian oil company and concentrate on my new business venture. So I'm gonna need a new title: Bergen P.I. Kinda nice, like Magnum P.I, or Mike Hammer. I'm gonna like this job and my first assignment is to go find that Arumugam guy who is said to be missing and is believed to be in Chennai. I'll figure out later who my client is and who's gonna foot the bill, when I bring this Arumugam guy back to whoever wants him for what he is worth.

Don't call me at the office because I'm onto something big, out in the field looking and hunting for a missing politician. If you need that valves for your oilfield, just sms me and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. You may leave a message after the beeeeeep...


Blogger mamasita said...

Bergen you ni kelakar betul..bunyi macam bounty hunter pun ye macam James Bond pun ye..hehehe

2:34 AM  
Blogger Kama At-Tarawis said...

hehehe bergen, the true hilarious you is finally emerging! bravo! Whaaa.. your charges are very reasonable.. Do you do pets? I may want to hire you to look for my missing cats..LOL

8:14 AM  
Blogger Kama At-Tarawis said...

Pssttt.. you better be a private investigator and NOT an investigator of privates...hahahah

8:15 AM  
Blogger bergen said...

Mamasita: In times like these, I've gotta be one of those to survive he he.

Kama At-Tarawis: LOL, and I'd better never be private instigator he he

8:46 AM  
Blogger cik_kembang said...

Salam Mr. Bergen..

I like this entry..very funny. I think I would like to apply for this "Girl Friday" job since I'm a freelance farmer with nothing better to do except toying around with my plant and kerbau. Errr.. where should I send my CV ?? Hahaha..LOL

p/s : I can make gud coffee to go along with it..


Your future employee..

8:48 AM  
Blogger bergen said...

Cik_Kembang: When can you start?

8:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"...preferably she knows martial art"

I'm a girl with a black belt in aikido, sir bergen. Just like that Steven F. Seagal dude.

8:56 AM  
Blogger bergen said...

Azudesu: That's a good martial art for women, I highly recommend it because most attack women have to deal with is body grab. Do you do disguise? Just in case I need you in the field. he he

9:02 AM  
Blogger Fauziah Ismail said...

Salam Bergen
I was so into Magnum PI (Tom Selleck sebenar2nya) that I had used M.A.G.N.U.M as a password for a logon when I first started work ...until it became the name for an icecream ... hehehehee!

9:06 AM  
Blogger Bijou Beads Bouquet said...

Mr Bergen,

Since this is a new business, you are eligible to claim the government grant for New Business Setup..Hurry!!!LOL

Besides having a 'girl friday' I think obviously U need a bouncer with skillfull wrestling technique in order to keep going in this kind of what so called dangerous business..I kindly offering my self to be in the position of protecting U..just like in Charlie angles movie..and since Cik Kembang is also a master in wrestling with kerbau(s), she may be the best candidate so far for the 'girl friday' post. Kindly consider..

Best Regards,

9:09 AM  
Blogger bergen said...

Fauziah Ismail: LOL, yes, his Hawaiian shirt, shorts, caps and the shades, and the sports car, Higgin the guy with the British accent, Rick and TC the Island Hop helicopter service. I remember watching those when I was in the desert in Saudi Arabia. He he

9:11 AM  
Blogger bergen said...

Bijou Bead Bouquet: You know how to wrestle? Whoa, that means you know a thing or two about silat gayung, or cekak since these are grapple art.

9:12 AM  
Blogger cik_kembang said...

I can start immediately, Sir..(I'm answering Mr. Bergen with my most businesslike manner and serious tone..LOL)

9:25 AM  
Blogger Bijou Beads Bouquet said...

Err woule you like me to show some moves?

but i have to be frank Mr Bergen, that i have a phobia with 'harimau' and any means of 'cage'. LOL.

9:28 AM  
Blogger Bijou Beads Bouquet said...


[i purposely make a spelling mistake so that i can post another comment]

9:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

haha. well if u can teach me how, why not?

erk. napelaaa x teringat nak blajar ninjutsu dulu...kalau x mesti sy dah bergelar "Azu ninja- master of disguise"... hehe

9:47 AM  
Blogger An-Nimr said...


Kenai tak Zahir of Banai Equipment?

1:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mr Bergen PI, do you do husbands? Mine has gone missing ever since I dropped him off at that swanky gym in Taipan this time last week. He was supposed to be at my place last night ......... sob, sob


3:05 PM  
Blogger An-Nimr said...

Bergen...trophy wife there needs you! jangan jadi macam magnum PI...client2 pun dia goda!

5:06 PM  
Blogger bergen said...

Anonymous 3.05pm: No, ma'am. I don't do marital case. I'd prefer political since there's a big market for it now. LOL. Maybe when the market for political goes cold then I may consider marital case. LOL.

An-Nimr: Don't worry about it, ma'am. I only hunt down missing politicians, preferably male. LOL

10:57 PM  
Blogger Zabs said...

Salam Bergen,
Kalau PM yang missing, takda siapa nak cari kot? Tu yang price negotiable ye?

5:27 PM  

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